Oh the joys of potty-training

Mason now gets to pee like Daddy.
And show off his new Thomas the Train big-boy underwear to his friends. Daddy is so proud.
Of course I'm sure Kinsley's daddy has something different to say about this.
Sorry Ben. Of course I did steal the picture from your wife.

hold it together now, just hold it together

**deep/serious blog alert** (sorry, I guess it's feast or famine with these things)

I like the word "epiphany." It sounds cool. E-pi-pha-ny. It always nudges my curious bug when someone tells me they just had one. Actually, they usually say they had a "sort-of" one. Probably because a real epiphany seems like it should be bigger than something that happens as often as once a week. Or in Justin's case, twice daily. Still, there's really not a better word to explain the mental experience, so I will continue to use it.

epiphany
- noun
1. an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity
2. a literary work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight
3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Let's go with definition #3.

This morning on my way to work I had an epiphany.

As I've shared before, I have the emotions typically found in a woman. (I'm not worried about offending my wife with that statement...she can sometimes have the sensitivity of a man. We balance each other out.)

It's not that I'm easily drawn to tears, or even that I have an overly dramatic personality, but those danged emotions have a lot of control over what I say, what I do, and how I generally perceive my world.

Growing up, the general concept I learned was to control those emotions. CONTROL THOSE SISSY EMOTIONS!!! A man's man just doesn't let them out except for absolutely warranted circumstances. Take Jesus, for example. At one point the ultimate man's man himself wept. But his buddy just died. So it was warranted.

Either this, or else a man's man just simply doesn't have many emotions.
I have always had them. Plenty of them. So I'm a sissy (hold your tongue, Padre). And my conclusion is that I must CONTROL them.

So my epiphany this morning involved a realization that I'm simply not succeeding at doing this. I rarely have. And frankly it's a lot of work that I'm just not sure is worth it.

So here it is: while trying so hard my whole life to control my emotions, it turns out that my emotions have been controlling me.

Did I disappoint you with that revelation? Somewhat anti-climactic? Well it was huge for me.

This led to the conclusion that I must not let my emotions control me. Here's the relieving part: not letting them control me does not equal pushing them down. About a year ago at a horribly-done marriage retreat/workshop, the one bright spot of the weekend was learning that emotions are circumstantial. They are simply reactions to what is going on around me. Reactions to things that are outside of my control. So why is it so burdensome to try and control emotions? They aren't meant to be pushed down. In the realm of personal responsibility, emotions are neutral.

The realm of responsibility in relation to God is somewhat similar to everyone. We should live moral lives. I must live a moral life. When emotions control my actions, it is harder to live a moral life. When emotions can be regarded and also left out of the equations that produce actions, it is easier to control those actions. For a person who experiences less emotions, it is easier to base decisions solely on moral judgments. For a person who experiences more emotions, it is easier to base decisions more on what will produce better feelings.....on what will produce pleasure instead of discomfort.

So there's my epiphany for this week. Emotions are great. Pleasures are great. Comfort is great. But when those things control my decisions, morals often take a back seat. Morals are too important to let that happen. When I separate emotions from my judgments, it's easier to exercise control over my actions. And in the end, the most pleasure is produced from moral judgments, not emotions (can I get some props from you Piper fans).

Why is it that when you write out these epiphanies, you suddenly experience a "well duh, you already knew this before" moment? I guess seeing old truths through new lenses can make all the difference in the world. Sometimes that's all it takes in order to transfer truth into your own personal reality.

oxymoron

I'm watching the documentary Jesus Camp that I rented from the library. Ugh.
But it's like watching Charlie Goes To Candy Mountain (YouTube) or John Malkovich in In The Line of Fire. I just can't look away. I know it highlights only one of the most extreme examples of the American Penecostal movement, but it makes "American Christianity" look like an oxymoron.

The lesbian pastor just finished denouncing Satan from messing with the microphones and Powerpoint, and a counselor just walked into the boys dorm and reprimanded them for telling ghost stories because they don't honor God. I thought ultra-conservatives were the most legalistic Christians, but it looks like they don't hold a candle to ultra-charismatics. So far I've heard that Harry Potter lovers are going to hell and that God only likes to go to churches where people are dancing and yelling Hallelujah.

Kari just walked in and after watching for 5 minutes said, "These guys are freaks."
I'm with you, babe.

Alright, so it's not like Charlie Goes To Candy Mountain. I'm actually going to turn this one off early. Maybe I'll finally give Harry Potter a chance.

Who can accept it?

Iron Will. Remember that movie? I think the best thing about that movie was the title.
Gotta love the double-meaning titles. Family Matters. The Santa Clause. Get Smart.

I can't think of any more.

I've never been much of a visionary. But lately I've started developing all sorts of dreams, desires and goals for our future. I typically like to think I'm pretty laid back. Open to whatever life throws my way.
But I'm slowly realizing that I really love to have control.
Why do we (as people in general) spend so much time trying to perfect our little personal kingdoms? So much energy and thought goes into making everything about my life exactly how I want it to be. I don't like that my lawn is spotty so I go buy a quality fertilizer. I don't like the way my clothes are fitting me so I spend just a little more so I can look good. I don't like the way my soap smells so I complain about it until Kari buys new stuff. And so on.

I am so not laid back.

Recent events have caused me to ponder how fragile and out of my control my life actually is. And it's freaking me out. I realized how devastated I would be if just a couple pending decisions swung the opposite way of how I'm expecting them to turn out. I've got a pretty good idea of what our life could look like in a year. Yet in a blink of an eye, a couple things could happen differently than expected, and all of a sudden life would be a drastically different situation. Would God actually let that happen? He wants me to be happy, right?

While I was meditating on this, a "random" Bible phrase popped into my head. "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?" I didn't know where it came from, much less the biblical context, so when I got home I looked it up. John 6 has 71 verses. The Bread of Life passage begins in verse 25 and goes all the way to the end of the chapter.

After Jesus argues with the Pharisees about coming down from heaven as the bread of life, he says something crazy sounding. "Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life ....... The one who feeds on me will live because of me."
Excuse me? It's easy to call the Pharisees dense because we so easily see the big picture of what he's saying. But what about his disciples? "On hearing this many of his disciples said, 'This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?'
....... from this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him."

I rarely choose to see this side of God. It's just not as tidy. It feels more out of control.

And then the truth I've known all my life hits me in my reality. I'm never in control. What business do I have trying to make life feel like I can determine the outcome? It's BS!!!

Joel, I am in control here. Eat my flesh and drink my blood. Otherwise you have no life. So what if your life is turned upside down...and things don't turn out like you feel they should? Can you accept it?

Will I accept it? Can I actually give up my iron will for a hard teaching, an unexpected plan, that I don't understand? Wow. I've been so close to turning back like those disciples. So close to fighting so hard to remain in my own plan that I know and understand. God's plan is hard to swallow. But if he's truly good...and if he's truly holy...and if true life exists only in Him.....

I must swallow the hard teaching. Eating flesh and drinking blood had such a deeper, more complex, more amazing meaning than any of those disciples could comprehend.

Why is understanding so important?

Give me your hard teaching, God. And break me of my iron will. I will never fully understand your plans. But in faith I will eat your flesh and drink your blood because you are life.

Thank you for your patience with me.

interview

The interview went well...thanks to all of you praying for me. I made it to the next round, so please keep praying. Through the interview I also became more excited about the job and now I want it even more. =) I'll try to give updates as I'm able.

windows

I have an interview tomorrow for the job that I'm currently doing .... the Financial Aid Director at Denver Seminary. I'm currently the interim until they hire someone permanent. I'd like to be there permanently. The transition into this job has been hard and stressful, but once I know my stuff it will be a great job. Plus I don't really want to go back to windows.

Thanks for talking to God for me.

ode to Keith

I forgot my brother-in-law's birthday, and so I decided to give him a shout out right here on my blog. Not that he reads it, but maybe one of you can point it out to him.

Keith is one heck of a guy. He loves my sister Shawna dearly and has been a great match for her. And he is a wonderful father. At least he makes it look like it in all the home videos Shawna sends us. Although we don't get to see him much, Keith has been a wonderful addition to our family.

So, Keith, although we forgot your birthday, we haven't forgotten you. Even Mason still remembers you, although that's mostly thanks to your yellow motorcycle. Every time he sees one we hear your name come out of his mouth.

Hope we get to see you soon. We love you tons.

some favorite summer pics thus far

humid Florida

EEK - Elliot Elijah Kolomichuk

The Kolomichuks - cute but psycho

scheming cousins

God's country

3-legs with Kinsley Jane

Potato sack excitement

Francis Schaeffer Jr.

I didn't get permission to post this

humid Florida

king of queens

Elgard got me on this show a couple months ago...Kevin James and Jerry Stiller are freakin hilarious.

change

I don't like change. I run from it often. I try to embrace it when it's inevitable, but I still don't like it. I fear that it's a reflection of my lack of trust in God. I worry. I never thought of myself as a control freak, but I have some tendencies. I worry.

I'm not sure why I worry so much. When I look back on my life I see God's hand in just about everything. He is not only trustworthy, but He has proves Himself to be so over and over and over again. God is trustworthy. And He is good. God is good. I've sang that phrase so much over the last 25 years in church that it's easy to let it pass through my brain without meaning much. God is good. When I choose to meditate on it I am often struck by what God's goodness means. He has a plan. For me. I am His child. He wants good for me.

So why do I worry?

I've got to get to the point where I don't just see worrying as pointless, but as sin. If God is truly good and trustworthy, worrying just doesn't make any sense. So I must make the decision to stop worrying.

So I will choose to trust.

These thoughts have been sparked by recent change in our lives. I know that change will never go away, but Kari and I are still at a point in our lives where change is pretty much normal. We long to establish roots.

So we bought a house. There's some stability. I'm finally looking for a full-time, long-term job. More stability. Last week I applied for a Financial Aid Director position at a random college in Denver. The next day...The Next Day...I got a call from the seminary telling me that their Financial Aid Director position had just opened. Excuse me? A week later they hired me to keep their office afloat during the busy season. At the end of the busy season they will hire someone permanently for the position. In case you're not familiar with my backround, I was the Financial Aid Director for Emmaus Bible College for 2 years. I didn't particularly like working for the school (too much politics), but I loved the position. So not 0nly did I accept the temp gig, keeping the office afloat during the busy season, but I applied for the position. We'll see what happens, but rarely does the Lord drop something in your lap that doesn't pan out. If it doesn't pan out, that's fine. He's got something better. But I'm praying that it does.

Change is hard. Even when the Lord drops it in your lap, it's hard. But what a blessing to know that God cares about the little things.

I am His child. He cares about the little things. The little details in my life are important to Him. Oh what a difference when I stop seeing Him as a god, and start seeing Him as my intimate, loving Father.

God is good.

the writer in the family

I never would have guessed about my wife's amazing writing abilities until she started her own blog. She cracks me up every time. Of course her funniest blogs are about Mason, so maybe I'm a bit biased. =) Either way babe, I'm impressed.

fun in florida