Laos In The House

Temporary RIP

2011-03-29T21:01:00.001-07:00

I'm officially temporarily putting this blog to rest because I have no desire to resuscitate it right now. I'm fairly active at www.twitter.com/joelclaos and www.facebook.com/joelclaos.

Warrior Dash

2010-08-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

Crawling through the mud at the Warrior Dash

Low Self Esteem

2010-04-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

I've spent some time lately meditating on a post from an old friend. Good ol' John Piper once again hits me where I need it.

http://iblogodei.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-have-low-self-esteem-because-i-esteem.html

Blomberg On Haiti

2010-01-21T14:57:00.000-08:00

Here is a great article by Dr. Craig Blomberg in response to Pat Robertson's statement that Haiti's earthquake was a divine act of judgment: http://www.denverseminary.edu/craig-blombergs-blog-new-testament-musings/is-haiti-being-judged/

obnoxious

2010-01-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

is a blog that sits idle for months on end.

autumn glee

2009-10-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

2009-09-12T04:07:00.000-07:00

a year and 1/2 in the making

2009-08-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

The wait is over!

And we are breathing sighs of relief. Which is an interesting experience when that distinct emotion plays second-tier to those of excitement, elation, and overwhelming joy.

It seems to me that typically the relief that is experienced after the culmination of a painful waiting period would primarily bring rest. And peace. And we certainly are experiencing those at a new level today. But in a way it's like those feelings are being trampled underfoot and laid to the wayside by the rush of just pure joy.

In a strange way I also feel somewhat compensated. Which doesn't necessarily feel like the right word now that I've said it, but somehow still fits. Perhaps satisfied is a bit closer. Whatever it is, when you go through this and this and this and come out the other side with answers and solutions, there are obviously emotions that you're not sure how to express. The problem I have with compensated and satisfied is that ultimately those feelings seem to point to God's character. And I'm just not sure that He necessarily works that way. At least not all of the time. I mean, aren't there millions of people who go through the crap and never find answers or solutions? At least not in this life. Ultimately, I guess, that's one purpose of heaven.

Perhaps simply blessed is the best word. As it usually is. After the roller coaster of 3 miscarriages last year, we feel extremely blessed to be able to announce the arrival of Harper Mae.

She popped out this morning at 7:55 am after a planned c-section, weighing only 5 pounds, 12.5 ounces, and stretching out to 18.5 inches.

And as I mentioned before we obviously are absolutely overwhelmed with joy. Kari is recovering nicely and Mason is pretty excited himself.

We think of all of your prayers when we look at this little miracle. Thank you.

36 weeks

2009-08-05T20:35:00.001-07:00

1st camping trip with the boy

2009-08-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

While I'm not the best at establishing and keeping traditions, one that I want to take very seriously is an annual camping trip with Mason. Since he's at that ripe age of 3 I figured it would be a good summer to start. The problem is that I'm somewhat new to the planning phase. Still, I've learned a good deal from my father and father-in-law in terms of supplies. For a one-night trip, we were certainly ready.

Where I lack in experience is in the administration realm. I had not made any reservations, so we went to an area near Deckers with 5 public no-reservations-required sites. My rookie mistake was that we left Saturday morning and ended up seeing this at every single site:

So after 4 hours of driving around I had to make an executive decision. Luckily Mason was feeling flexible at that point and was on board. So, we went home.

Still, we made the best of it ..... we weren't allowed to go inside, and mom wasn't allowed to come out back. And as you can see, Mason was so excited about the sleeping arrangements that he wanted to go to bed at 4:30.

After some convincing otherwise, we cooked hotdogs over the stove...

...played "Stolf" (Stump Golf, a new Camp Elim favorite....or in Mason's case, Stick Golf)...

...went to a local park to kill some daylight...

...and made our way back to roast some marshmallows.

We did cheat a little, as I brought out the laptop connected to an extension cord to watch Spiderman as we fell asleep. But in the morning we got right back at it. After peeing on the fence we got dressed...

...cooked some eggs, bacon, and sausage for breakfast....

...and then went on a nature hike on the Stonegate trails across the street:

In the end it was probably a better "trip" for a toddler, as he was ready to call it quits at 9am after the hike. Perhaps we'll consider the backyard trip again next year and watch Spiderman 2. Then when he's 5 we'll make a man out of him and do a 3-mile backpacking trip into the mountains.

calvin

2009-07-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

The other day I was going through my bookshelf and pulled out an old Calvin and Hobbes comic book from my childhood. About halfway through I was suddenly struck by some sort of weird deja-vu experience.

The only thing lacking is the extensive vocab. We're working on that.

One of the main reasons we love our church:

2009-06-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

Balanced Theology

i don't know where he gets it

2009-06-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

27

2009-06-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

She actually looks bigger at 22 weeks....strange.

picture update

2009-05-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

22 weeks

(updated pic coming soon....she's actually 27 weeks now)

Back to soccer season

and zoo season

and gardening season

And every season is beer season:
The Coors tour.....favorite father-son outing so far

charlie the unicorn - the trilogy

2009-05-09T22:22:00.000-07:00

a smile and a gun

2009-04-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." - Al Capone

It amazes me how few people smile. Especially those who work in customer service. Perhaps people don't recognize how powerful it can be. Or maybe people just hate their jobs.

easter pics

2009-04-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

ultrasound pics for the fam

2009-04-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

Full-body profile

Profile #2

Skeletor

Gender angle

child #5

2009-04-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

I was trying to come up with something good to say about our latest news but can't compete with Kari's latest post.

April 7

2009-04-07T17:58:00.000-07:00

It was 10 years ago to this day that I made one of the most frightening phone calls of my life. I remember it well. Most of it.

I stood in the hallway of my dorm floor at Emmaus Bible College and stared at the public phone on the wall. Beads of sweat covered my 125 pound, 5'7" frame.

I rehearsed my lines: "I was just wondering....I just thought I'd ask....I just wanted to know what you thought about..."

Oh screw it. I picked up the phone, looked at my phone card, and dialed the digits. Anne picked up with a cheerful, "Hello?"

In a shaky voice I spurted out, "Uh, hi...Mrs. Moe? Hi this is Joel."

"Hi Joel!!! How are you?!?" Her friendly, cheery voice calmed my nerves. For a second.

"Uh...good, thanks. Is Mr. Moe there?"

"Sure! One second."

In a flash Brian was on the phone. I must have blacked out because I don't remember anything that was said for the rest of the conversation. I do remember hanging up with a sigh of relief, thinking "that wasn't so bad after all."

An hour later I found myself sitting with Kari in Jeremy Goering's old beat-up truck in the Kennedy Mall parking lot, pulling a rose out from behind the seat and asking her to be my girl. 19 years old and no idea what in the world we were doing. A little over 2 years later we tied the knot.

So, I raise my glass and make a toast to 10 years. May the next 10 years be as happy and full as a fat squirrel in a peanut butter factory.

the pursuit of happiness

2009-04-06T21:17:00.000-07:00

wipeout

2009-04-04T07:02:00.000-07:00

guitar hero metallica commercial

2009-03-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

I just saw one of the funniest commercials I've seen in a long time:

SWEEEEEEET 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

(12) Arizona 71, (13) Cleveland St 57

And just like that, a mostly-crappy season has been redeemed.

kari

2009-03-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

I had meant to post a couple comments about Kari on her birthday, and obviously never got to it until now. She deserves much more than I usually give, as our birthdays are 5 days apart and we tend to combine the celebration. I will work on doing better.

Perhaps the greatest praise I can give is in regards to her amazing response and growth through the trials she faced in 2008. This is not to say she did not have her moments of anger, sorrow, and depression. But the woman she has become (and is becoming) as a result of those experiences has been a pleasure to watch and experience. To see a beautiful woman, in all aspects, go through the hell she's gone through and come out the other side even more beautiful just brings joy to my soul. (I use the term "hell" within the context of this earthly life, and with recognition that pain is relative. Everyone has their own hell on earth, so to speak. Many others have experienced things much worse and much more painful, and that is their hell. The 3 miscarriages has been Kari's hell. The context of "beautiful" perhaps should also be clarified. While she certainly possesses external beauty, the beauty I speak of is in regards to her soul. At the beginning of our relationship (with the immaturity of a 19-year-old) I realize now that I was mostly enamored with Kari's external beauty. While that beauty continues to grow, it has become of less personal importance throughout our marriage. I've grown to appreciate the importance of the deeper beauty of the soul, and am now enamored more when that shines through and shows its fruit. I hope that makes sense.....perhaps I'm just digging a hole.)

So, all that to say, you are a beautiful woman, Kari. I have loved to see God reflected and shining in your soul more and more, especially as you turn another year older. Happy Birthday.

2-week summary

2009-03-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

We've had an eventful past couple of weeks:

Mason and I were able to make his first snowman after a semi-heavy snowfall (rare this winter).

Due to the "cold spell" we had plenty of time inside,
which usually translates into Mase and I wrestling (Kari tends to steer clear).

We got to spend a weekend at Camp Elim, where we played "guns".....

.....hung out with good friends Dan and Georgi.....

.....and played a little Stolf (Stump Golf).

Fenny gave us Denver Nuggets tickets. Mase had a blast, but also fell asleep before halftime.

Mason was invited to the Children's Museum by one of his girlfriends, Hailey Page.

And my folks sent me a classic b-day card that I just couldn't help but share.

little helper

2009-03-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

Mason's always shown himself to be a little helper, but sometimes it can get a little out of hand.

Kari makes an "ow" noise while cooking.

"Mommy, you okay?"

"I'm okay."

"Do you have an owie?"

"No, I'm okay."

Mason thinks to himself for a couple seconds.

"Daddy, you have an owie?"

"No, not right now."

"Daddy, I want you to burn yourself on the oven so you can have an owie and I can help you."

That's great. Maybe he won't grow up to be a fireman after all.

sniff sniff

2009-03-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

1st and 25

2009-03-02T20:53:00.000-08:00

Since Kari's last ultrasound at 12 weeks she's had 2 successful heartbeat appointments. Last week marked 14 weeks, so we've got the 1st trimester done and just 25 weeks (or so) to go. She'll probably have 1 or 2 more heartbeat appointments and 1 additional ultrasound around 20 weeks, where we plan on finding out the gender this time (or at least trying).

the concept of a rivalry in a 3-year-old's brain

2009-02-16T07:45:00.000-08:00

In delayed celebration of Arizona's recent victory over #11 UCLA...

I was watching the game in my home last Saturday (a luxury for me since most of Denver could care less about the Pac-10 and instead prefers watching Broncos highlights year-round...which, having grown up in a college city, I find extremely annoying) with Mason on my lap (another luxury, since the kid will usually only sit still for Backyardigans and Star Wars), and we were having the following conversation:

"Daddy, is that Ona?" (pronounced "owe-na," which is Mason-lingo for "Arizona")

I proudly recognize that I've taught him well since he can recognize Arizona apparel without being able to read. "Yep. Go Cats!"

"Who is the blue team?"

"Those are the bad guys."

"Why they bad? They like to hurt people?"

"Well, no..............but Arizona's the good guys, so the Bruins are the bad guys."

"Oh............................................Daddy, what's a Bruin?"

"It's a bear."

"Oh. Are bears bad?"

"Well...............uh............yeah, sometimes. They like to hurt people."

"Oh."

Mason runs off. Which is about right, since he had been sitting still for over 5 minutes. A minute later he returns with two of his toys and sits them down in front of me without saying a word.

That's my boy.

round 4

2009-02-11T20:49:00.000-08:00

There was no sad phone call this time. No tears, no confusion, no depression, no hopelessness. Just joy. Joy and joyousness.

And relief. A couple ginormous sighs of relief.

Through a series of fertility tests, a diagnosis (something called "MTHFR"), pills and injections, and a whole lot of prayer from a large handful of prayer-warriors, Kari is now 12 weeks pregnant. This marks the 4th time she's been pregnant over the last 12 months and the farthest along she has been out of the 4. Whew!!! The MTHFR diagnosis revealed a serious problem (her uterus was not metabolizing folic acid) with a simple fix (injections, and a whole lot of folic acid). And so far it looks like it might be working.

While we certainly aren't closing our eyes to the immense fragility of a pregnancy throughout the whole 40-week period (see Tony and Charity's recent heartbreak), we have high high hopes and expectations that this one is going to last. And our doctors haven't been shy about expressing their excitement that we've gotten this far. That certainly helps.

We will continue to take things a week at a time. Kari has another heartbeat appointment next week, and probably a couple more after that. But we're pumped. Enough to not be able to keep it a secret any longer.

We'll keep the blogs updated.

15 step

2009-02-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

In case you missed it, here is Radiohead's "mindblowing performance" at the Grammys with the USC Trojan marching band:

Greatest band in the history of the world. Pure artistic genius.

bad day at the office

2009-02-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes at work I spend a lot of time on the phone trying to explain the intricacies of financial aid to prospective students. It can be a challenge, but usually I can effectively communicate the appropriate information in 4 or 5 minutes. Not so today.

This prospective student just didn't get it, but wanted to keep talking and talking. And then he wanted my opinions about random, non-financial-aid-related matters, but he kept interrupting me when I would try to answer him. He would start a sentence, then before finishing he would ask, "Do you know what I mean?" I never knew what he meant.

This was perhaps one of the most painful conversations I've ever had to endure.

This is me after 8 minutes:
After 15 minutes:After 30 minutes:Finally after 34 minutes and my 4th offer to send him an email with all the appropriate information, he decided he got what he needed.

These are actual scenes from the conversation, they are not a reenactment. My work study, Chad, was so entertained by my dramatic painful facial expressions that he decided to start taking pictures. All I can say is that guy better take some classes.

the fray

2009-02-05T20:43:00.000-08:00

I wasn't too impressed with the first 2 songs, but the rest of the album is great. They maintained the quality sound that made them so popular in the first place, while making the songs unique enough from the first album.

Perhaps, though, the best thing about the band is their testimony. Here's a great article highlighting their faith. I stole it from Justin's blog. I tend to steal a lot of things from him.

super bowl XLIII

2009-02-02T10:26:00.000-08:00

This certainly wasn't the most painful loss I've ever experienced (see UA-UNLV 1989 or UA-Illinois 2005), but it still smarts a bit.

So close.

everything's amazing, nobody's happy

2009-01-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

This is absolutely freaking awesome. I don't know who the guy is, but everyone should watch it.

history in the making

2009-01-22T21:44:00.000-08:00

intriguing and scary

2009-01-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

hell freezes over

2009-01-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

I never thought I'd see these two logos together. Of course, in a year when ASU basketball is in the top 15 and the UA might not even make the tournament, I guess it shouldn't be that much of a surprise.

on suffering

2009-01-07T21:28:00.001-08:00

"to repel"

2009-01-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

The impressionability of a 3 year old is frightening. I don't even know where Mason learns some of the things he does.

Tonight we were watching a TV show where one character told another character that he was trying to repel her. Mason turns to me and says, "Daddy! Repel means that you try to make people go away."

Like I said. Frightening.

christmas 08

2008-12-29T22:11:00.000-08:00

Link:
View other Christmas pictures and videos

the beauty of normal

2008-12-14T15:08:00.000-08:00

Daily drive to work:
Wife:Boy:Wife, part 2:

aidyn's blog

2008-11-26T14:06:00.001-08:00

There has been some good news in regards to Aidyn's surgery (see previous blog). Updates can be found at this blog: Pray For Aidyn.

please pray for aidyn

2008-11-25T13:51:00.000-08:00

Aidyn Wooley is our pastor's oldest daughter and has been a part of the edge (a pre-teen youth group Kari and I are involved in) from the very beginning of the ministry (about a year and a half now). She is a fun and godly 10 year-old bundle of life, and we have grown to love and adore her during this time.

For a short time now Aidyn has been feeling weakness on her right side (arm, hand, leg, etc.), and her parents took her to the doctor this past Friday (11/1). The doctor ordered some scans and tests, which indicated a tumor near the base of the brain / top of the spine that will need to be removed. The team of doctors believe the tumor is cancerous but will not know with certainty until a few days after the surgery. Aidyn will have surgery to remove the tissue on Wednesday, November 26 at 8:00 AM.

Our hearts are hurting for Aidyn and the Wooleys as they go through this painful experience. Please pray for them with us.

it's gotta be close

2008-11-19T20:23:00.000-08:00

I've heard a lot of comments lately about the end-times being close. Most of them have been in reference to the recent election. I wasn't very convinced until I saw the UA basketball game last night.

The end has gotta be close.

"a loss for words"

2008-11-11T07:19:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't read it, I wanted to draw some attention to Kari's latest blog. It is a beautiful expression of her heart in the midst of the painful experiences of three miscarriages. While, as the guy, it has been easier for me to process things and begin to move on (hence my blog not even a week later than the last miscarriage), it obviously has been a different experience for Kari. But I think that as a result there has been a deeper quality to what she's been able to process, which is evident in what she's been able to express.

one-issue politics

2008-11-10T21:51:00.000-08:00

It's pretty interesting how Obama's election has sparked so many heated conversations among Christians about abortion. I'm pretty quiet when it comes to politics, but I couldn't help but share this great article by John Piper: "One-Issue Politics...", also posted on my friend Justin's blog. Piper has a gift of making confusing issues seem so clear.

off with his head

2008-10-26T14:57:00.001-07:00

We had our church Halloween festival, Neewollah Pallooza, last night. Kari and I were farmers.

hmmmmmmmm beer

2008-10-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

I spontaneously decided to have some father-son time with Mason today. Justin told me he would be at the Red Bull Soapbox Derby today in Red Rocks, and that it was free admission. So I threw Mason in the car and made the 1/2 hour drive up to Morrison, CO. It turned out that everyone and their mother and their mother's 3rd cousin had the same idea. An hour later, stuck in traffic, I was looking for plan B. I had remembered that the Miller-Coors brewing factory was just another 15 min north, so we didn't waste any more time. I had a good time bonding with my 3 year old son in the land of booze.

goodbye lute

2008-10-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

I don't have the energy to actually write a whole blog about Lute Olson's retirement, however I also couldn't not comment on such a monumental event for a lifetime diehard U of A fan. Let's just say that 2008 sucks. There's no reason why I would expect it to be any different at this point.

tiny dancer

2008-10-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

Mason has been tugging at every last little bit of our patience lately, as he seems to be dealing with the terrible 3's instead of the terrible 2's. However he continues to have plenty of cute and funny moments. This past weekend as the ringbearer at Kari's cousin's wedding was one of them.

Sorry the quality is so bad. The first one is at least worth taking a look at. For some reason you can see the others a bit better on my facebook page.

round 3, fight

2008-10-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

"They can't find a heartbeat. They sent me in for an ultrasound. There's no baby."

"What?!?" In the middle of a number of things at work, I had almost forgotten that Kari had gone in for her routine 12-week checkup.

I couldn't think. And yet it seemed like my mind was racing at the same time. It must have been a mistake. Sometimes they just can't find the heartbeat with those little machines they use. But wait, there was the ultrasound.

"What do you mean?"

"There's no heartbeat. I don't know what to do. I can't even cry. I'm just numb."

Pause.

"So they tried to find a heartbeat, and when they couldn't they sent you to get an ultrasound?"

"Right. They couldn't find it. Then they thought they heard a flutter so they sent me in for an ultrasound. But they said it looks like the baby stopped growing at 8 or 9 weeks."

I was just silent. Absolutely stunned. Totally blindsided. I can't really find better words to use than those. I described the first experience in a similar way (this is our 3rd miscarriage in a row), and this experience was of course similar.

And yet it was so different. The absolutely stunned from the 1st experience just seems to pale in comparison with the absolutely stunned from the 3rd. (The 2nd experience was just different altogether....it happened much earlier in the pregnancy and we had many more warning signs) There were absolutely no warning signs with this one. It was a routine checkup. And Kari was the farthest along with this one. 12 weeks. We were so close to being "in the clear."

So close.

Of course, I guess you're never really in the clear when it comes to a life. To this day I still go into Mason's room after he's asleep, pick up his little wrist, and count the pulses from his little beating heart. It's not so much because I'm overly worried about his well-being, but it keeps me amazed at the fragility of that little life. There is absolutely no reason why those lungs should keep sucking in air...and that heart should keep on beating...except for God Himself sustaining that life. Why He hasn't done that for Mason's 3 unborn siblings, I'm not sure.

I left work and rushed to the hospital. I found Kari in a room discussing the situation with our doctor while Mason played on the floor. A good guy, our doctor. God bless those doctors who work so hard at also being good counselors. No doctor can escape the situation of also having to do some counseling. However not every doctor understands the importance of being well-rounded in this way, especially on top of everything else to be concerned about.

I shook his hand and could see on his face that he hurt for us. As I got to know him I became convinced that those emotions were sincere. The conversation was somewhat of a blur, but he presented our options for testing and tried to instill some hope in us in the process.

We went home.

The experience of being emotionally drained is relative. I thought I had experienced emotional drainage plenty of times before, however I don't think I have ever been as emotionally emptied as I was after this experience. My perspective on life was suddenly through a lens of sadness. Sadness can be a pretty complex emotion. But it can be very simple too. This seemed to be more of a simple sadness. Not necessarily depression. Not necessarily anger. Not necessarily regret, or even resentment. Just sadness. Maybe some hopelessness. Certainly some helplessness. Lost. Confused. In the dark. Where do we go now? What do we do? What if Mason ends up being an only child? What about adoption? I don't want to adopt. Or at least I'm just not ready to adopt. What if we can't have any more kids and we never find out why?

So many questions. No answers.

The next day Kari had a D & C, a surgical operation to remove the baby and tissue from her uterus. Everything went fine. There's nothing abnormal about her uterus. The doctor presented this as good news. And it is. But our first reactions were actually ones of frustration. We still have no answers to what's going on.

So we wait. In the midst of all the pain involved in these experiences over the last six months, waiting is still perhaps the hardest part.

And during this period I'm finding that I'm having to choose to fight. Against the temptation to lose hope. Against the temptation to question God. Against the temptation to fall into some sort of depression because life is turning out to be so different than what we had dreamed it to be. Fighting these temptations becomes harder with every miscarriage. However it also becomes all the more necessary in order to stay afloat.

I don't say all of this so that you will feel bad for us. I think I say all of this simply because I desire to be known. I assume that if you got this far it's because you care for us and are praying for us. I guess I just want to communicate a little more deeply what the experience has been like. I pray that some good can come from it. However even if no one reads this, it's just plain therapeutic for me to express these things in writing. It helps me process the confusion.

Let me also take the chance to recognize those of you who have been loving on us. Thank you so much for the calls, texts, flowers, and meals. In particular, the Elgards have been absolutely amazing. Both Robin and Josh have watched Mason for us the first three days after it happened. Robin has coordinated meals with other amazing friends from church, and she was there throughout Kari's surgery. Robs, I hope you're reading this because you need to know how much we love and appreciate you. I really don't know what we would have done if you weren't there for us in those amazing ways. I thank God for friends like you two.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Prayer is such a mystery to me, but I know it's powerful. We don't take it lightly when we're told we are being prayed for. We know it's the only way to get through these things and come out on the other side. We've also been encouraged by this verse, which has been quoted to us by numerous friends: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

I'll end this long post with a poem that has been near and dear to our hearts through all this, posted also on Kari's blog. I'm not usually one to pay attention to poetry, but this one hit the spot at the right time for us.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait".

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

truckin through life

2008-09-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

My sister Shawna cracks me up. She just started her own blog and her latest post "Of Mice and Men" is an absolute classic. If you know her at all you'll enjoy it immensely. And it doesn't hurt that she apparently has some mad writing skillz.

poisoned, part deux

2008-09-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that it wasn't the buffet that poisoned me, it was my appendix. After my last blog the pain slowly focused itself on the lower right portion of my abdomen. In the morning Kari and I decided to see my doctor, who then sent me to the ER for a cat scan. The doctor there told me it would either be appendicitis or constipation, which if was the latter it would have been both embarrassing and sweet at the same time.

But alas, it turned out that my appendix wanted out. Two hours later it became apparent that it absolutely hated me. I was scheduled for surgery at 8 pm, the soonest a surgeon was available at the time. Around 4 pm the pain started escalating and by 5 pm it made Sunday (see last blog) seem like a walk in the park. I have never experienced anything like that. After going into surgery 2 hours earlier than expected, thank the Lord, the surgeon said that the appendix was so infected that it was black and perforated meaning it was extremely infected and starting to rupture.

Thankfully I'm home already and recovering nicely....thanks in part to Percasete. Man, that is some good stuff. I am now officially a druggie.

I've been thanking you all a lot this year for your prayers. Thanks again.

poisoned

2008-09-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

***Gross out alert***

The last 5 hours have been memorable. But not in a good way. I can't remember the last time I've been in so much physical pain. Perhaps when I was hit by a truck back in '89. Although I only remember bits and pieces about that.

I'm talking about food poisoning. Not from Kari's cooking, from a buffet. I had it once when I was 7 or 8 (before the truck incident) from Halloween candy (I think. I still can't eat tootsie rolls). For three hours straight I've been writhing (yes, writhing) in constant sharp crampy pain. Until I finally made myself vomit. That helped a bit, but not enough. Still writhing. After another hour I did it again, which sent me into the most violent upheaving and barfing that I've ever experienced.

I'm still weak and very crampy, but I think the worst is over. I think I'll start looking at expiration dates. Or just stop eating buffet.

for the fam, part 2

2008-09-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

for guapo papo and grammy

2008-09-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

More to come.....

review - the shack, by william p young

2008-09-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

My dad just sent me a bunch of audio books in the mail and this one was included.....primarily because of the popularity of the book and the controversy that surrounds it. I've been listening to it on my way to and from work. I'll try and make this short, although that might be difficult.

It is definitely an intriguing, heart-wrenching, and well-written drama, which is a small part of it's increasing fame. However, it feels like I'm reading two different books. The first couple of hours (it's difficult to keep track of which chapter you're on with the audio version) contain the intriguing drama that I previously mentioned. Good stuff. The majority of the book contains a very extensive interaction between God and the main character that is drenched with the author's theological stance and view of the Trinity. Obviously, here's where the controversy lies.

Let me begin by saying that postmodern perspectives have slowly snuck their way into a lot of modern theological works, largely it seems because of the growing popularity of the Emergent Church. While I do see some benefits to postmodern thought (the emphasis on relationships and community, and the out-of-the-box approaches to religion and God), there are also certainly some dangers. Such is the case with this work of theological fiction.

There's where the first issue lies. This is theological fiction. A recipe for a lightning rod. The story involves absolute truth packaged inside of fictional content. What do you choose to believe? Where do you draw the line? And is it really worth critiquing when the lines are so blurry? Yet here I am.

A friend asked me today, "Why would I want to drink out of a muddy pool when I have purified water at my disposal to quench my thirst?" (paraphrased) Another friend ripped on the book, labeling it a humanistic version of God. Both of these friends have valid points. In fact, because of the muddied theology I would not recommend this book to "baby Christians" or Christians who don't have a firm theological background.

I would, however, recommend this book to unbelievers. Although there are many weaknesses and some misrepresentations (primarily in regard to God the Father, or "Papa" in the book), the major strength is the unique ability to show God in a different, relational light than the Religious being that most Americans see Him as. It is for this reason that I don't subscribe to the muddy pool concept. This book has so many benefits to be derived, assuming you can sift out the bad from the good. I subscribe to the filter concept. Christians should not be afraid to have to filter. In fact, it can be a very enjoyable and healthy activity.

Now because I listened to this book instead of reading it, I can't go through and critique every controversial concept suggested by the author (surprisingly, part of me wants to do just that). I just don't have the ability to quote word for word. And frankly, because it's theological fiction, I'm not sure that's the best way to critique this book anyway. Systematic Theology it certainly is not. I think Christians get stuck when they assume that the author is trying to express his exhaustive theological stance, simply because the content is so extensive and blatant. Right there is the main weakness of theological fiction. You'll want to read it like a commentary of some sort, but Systematic Theology it is not. Still, with all that said, here are a couple of my complaints...mixed with a couple of my compliments.

***Spoiler alert***
Everyone seems to be throwing up their hands in a hissy-fit over the fact that God the Father ("Papa") manifests Himself to the main character, Mack, as a somewhat-overweight, sassy African-American woman (thus communicating more of a mother-figure in most of the book, as opposed to the father-"figure" we know Him to be). Sure this throws you off a bit, and it certainly isn't ideal, however seeing God the Father as human, period, throws so many limitations into the mix that it just plain makes me uncomfortable. It's not here, though, where I choose to complain. It's in some of the statements that are made by Papa in regards to His relationship with Jesus. For instance, Mack almost immediately notices that Papa also has holes in His wrists like Jesus. The author does this to try and communicate the deep unity that He has with Jesus that we'll never truly understand. However it leads to this question by Mack, "But I thought you abandoned Jesus when He was on the cross." Papa replies with, "I didn't abandon Jesus. Jesus is human, and so has allowed Himself to be limited in His knowledge. Jesus just felt abandoned, leading him to cry out 'My God...why have you forsaken me?' I never actually left Jesus" (once again, please remember that I'm paraphrasing). This seems to me to be a pretty heavy theological statement. Having the weakness of not usually seeing Jesus in His full humanity (I tend to err on the side of seeing his full divinity, and not necessarily his full humanity, thanks in part to my staunch-conservative Brethren background) I can appreciate the emphasis that Christ emptied Himself of the use of His divine attributes (trying to be careful with my words here) and literally had limitations as a human. However did God the Father really not fully turn away from Jesus at that moment on the cross when He took upon Himself the sins of the world? A mystery of the Trinity, for sure. However when one is set on emphasizing the abounding grace of God, it certainly is easy to de-emphasize the overwhelming power of sin, and thus also of God's holiness.

And here is our greatest challenge in our perspective of God: Can we ever truly see Him in His perfect balance of holiness and love? Because Christ on the cross has taken the hit of God's holy wrath against sin, we tend to overemphasize His "side" of love, grace, mercy, forgiveness... But if He is a God who doesn't change, His holiness certainly hasn't changed. We tend to de-emphasize the fact that we are still to pursue holiness and seek to hate sin the way God still does....to daily wash those dirty dirty feet. The effective communication of this balance is certainly hard to achieve when you've manifested every person of the Trinity as human.

But here's where I'll also throw in a compliment to the book. The initial conversation between Mack and the Holy Spirit ("Sarayu") is, from what I remember, fairly concrete. It actually argues strongly against any postmodern ideas that touch many other concepts in the book. Although it is also somewhat hard to get past the human picture of the Holy Spirit (as a petite Asian woman), most of the conversations are theologically sound. As are most with Jesus. In fact, for the most part I just love how much Christ's humanity is communicated throughout Mack's interaction with Him. It opened my eyes a bit more to the perspective of His chosen limitations as a human, and the resulting utter dependence on God the Father.

I'll communicate a bit more of what I liked about the book, before I wrap up this unorganized hodge-podge review. I loved how the author did what he set out to do in communicating a satisfying (as much as is possible) sense in the relationship between God and pain. CS Lewis, John Piper, and Philip Yancey come to my mind as authors who have dealt with this well. Although I won't throw Young's name into that mix, he certainly deals well with this issue of pain in the light of eternity. Because of the deep mystery of this relationship, it is here where theological fiction owns its main strengths. Young does a good job of expressing the deep and perfect beauty of God's character and work in the midst of a world wracked by the intense effects of the fall. The reader feels the pain and the burden of the Great Sadness that Mack is forced to deal with. As a result, to a small degree we can understand just how disgusting and loathsome all sins are to God. On the other end the reader also feels the intense beauty and deep wonderfulness (is that a word?) of a God who works good out of the gross evil that exists. When an author can produce in you a deep (and I don't use that word lightly) appreciation and love for the beauty (another word I don't use lightly) of how God has responded to our disgusting and gross sins, I think it's worth a read. Take the author's extensive view of God with a grain of salt by comparing it to God's own Word. But let yourself be sucked in.....to the author's facilitation of hope and trust in God's amazing ability to heal your wounds.

There can be amazing benefits to be found if you'll let yourself be a filter.

I invite your comments. I know this wasn't as theologically exhaustive as some of you theologians might have wanted. This certainly did not communicate all of my thoughts about the book. That would take much more organization and much much more time.
If you're interested, I refer you to this more extensive and organized review:
http://www.challies.com/archives/book-reviews/the-shack-by-william-p-young.php

financial aid

2008-09-08T21:39:00.000-07:00

Little did I know when I left my financial aid position at Emmaus to pursue counseling, that I would just wind up back in financial aid. It's funny the things you have to go through in order to appreciate what you've already had. Truth is, the two schools (Emmaus and DenSem) are stark contrasts to each other in relation to this job, but it's still a funny irony.

This job was an answer to many many prayers.....from personal finances to health insurance to school debt to the actual job duties. While the learning curve will continue to some degree or another over the next year, the job duties fit my personality well. As an introvert with decent people skills, I enjoy the balance of student interaction and data processing. Plus it's a plus working at a grad school as opposed to undergrad because there's not as much parental interaction required. Most grad students take care of their stuff on their own. It was shocking how little Emmaus students did for themselves.

Anyway, still a lot of learning to do, but it's been good so far.

Next up...a review on The Shack, by William P Young. It's been an interesting book...

labor day weekend

2008-09-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

We had a good time outdoors this past weekend...breakfast and hiking with the extended fam, then camping with the Elgards. As usual, most of the pics are of Mase.

STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING

2008-08-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

You must stop what you're doing right now and take the next couple minutes to go check out The Ineloquent's new song, Wake Me. It's the first song on their MySpace page. I cannot stop listening to it.

done and done

2008-08-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

I got the financial aid job at Denver Seminary!!! I'll write more when I've got the umph. Thanks again for your prayers.

tick tock

2008-08-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

I know I've been blogging non-stop on this waiting game that God is playing with me. It's therapeutic. It does not, however, make the waiting part any easier. It is comforting to know that waiting is supposed to suck, because going through suckiness builds your character, perseverance, blah blah blah. Why can't you just inherit those things? My parents are pretty good at that perseverance stuff. Actually I'm glad you don't inherit it, because Mason would be screwed...

Thank you so much to all of you who have been praying for my job situation at the seminary. Your questions/comments/prayers have been very encouraging. I find out Wednesday or Thursday. I've gone from not-knowing-what-the-hell-I'm-going-to-do if I don't get it, to being fairly calm and confident that something else will come along if necessary. The issue is that there doesn't seem to be any other options.

I'll go back to windows if I must. Some days I actually miss that job. But it's certainly not a career for me. On the flip-side, if I do get the seminary job it's going to be a very hard first year in terms of adjusting to what the position requires (in comparison to my very limited experience in financial aid). Either way I'm looking forward to some rest. I'm learning to embrace what I'm becoming while playing the waiting game, but I won't mind getting a time-out.

My lunch break is over.

Oh the joys of potty-training

2008-08-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Mason now gets to pee like Daddy.
And show off his new Thomas the Train big-boy underwear to his friends. Daddy is so proud.
Of course I'm sure Kinsley's daddy has something different to say about this.
Sorry Ben. Of course I did steal the picture from your wife.

hold it together now, just hold it together

2008-08-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

**deep/serious blog alert** (sorry, I guess it's feast or famine with these things)

I like the word "epiphany." It sounds cool. E-pi-pha-ny. It always nudges my curious bug when someone tells me they just had one. Actually, they usually say they had a "sort-of" one. Probably because a real epiphany seems like it should be bigger than something that happens as often as once a week. Or in Justin's case, twice daily. Still, there's really not a better word to explain the mental experience, so I will continue to use it.

epiphany
- noun
1. an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity
2. a literary work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight
3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Let's go with definition #3.

This morning on my way to work I had an epiphany.

As I've shared before, I have the emotions typically found in a woman. (I'm not worried about offending my wife with that statement...she can sometimes have the sensitivity of a man. We balance each other out.)

It's not that I'm easily drawn to tears, or even that I have an overly dramatic personality, but those danged emotions have a lot of control over what I say, what I do, and how I generally perceive my world.

Growing up, the general concept I learned was to control those emotions. CONTROL THOSE SISSY EMOTIONS!!! A man's man just doesn't let them out except for absolutely warranted circumstances. Take Jesus, for example. At one point the ultimate man's man himself wept. But his buddy just died. So it was warranted.

Either this, or else a man's man just simply doesn't have many emotions.
I have always had them. Plenty of them. So I'm a sissy (hold your tongue, Padre). And my conclusion is that I must CONTROL them.

So my epiphany this morning involved a realization that I'm simply not succeeding at doing this. I rarely have. And frankly it's a lot of work that I'm just not sure is worth it.

So here it is: while trying so hard my whole life to control my emotions, it turns out that my emotions have been controlling me.

Did I disappoint you with that revelation? Somewhat anti-climactic? Well it was huge for me.

This led to the conclusion that I must not let my emotions control me. Here's the relieving part: not letting them control me does not equal pushing them down. About a year ago at a horribly-done marriage retreat/workshop, the one bright spot of the weekend was learning that emotions are circumstantial. They are simply reactions to what is going on around me. Reactions to things that are outside of my control. So why is it so burdensome to try and control emotions? They aren't meant to be pushed down. In the realm of personal responsibility, emotions are neutral.

The realm of responsibility in relation to God is somewhat similar to everyone. We should live moral lives. I must live a moral life. When emotions control my actions, it is harder to live a moral life. When emotions can be regarded and also left out of the equations that produce actions, it is easier to control those actions. For a person who experiences less emotions, it is easier to base decisions solely on moral judgments. For a person who experiences more emotions, it is easier to base decisions more on what will produce better feelings.....on what will produce pleasure instead of discomfort.

So there's my epiphany for this week. Emotions are great. Pleasures are great. Comfort is great. But when those things control my decisions, morals often take a back seat. Morals are too important to let that happen. When I separate emotions from my judgments, it's easier to exercise control over my actions. And in the end, the most pleasure is produced from moral judgments, not emotions (can I get some props from you Piper fans).

Why is it that when you write out these epiphanies, you suddenly experience a "well duh, you already knew this before" moment? I guess seeing old truths through new lenses can make all the difference in the world. Sometimes that's all it takes in order to transfer truth into your own personal reality.

oxymoron

2008-07-29T20:01:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the documentary Jesus Camp that I rented from the library. Ugh.
But it's like watching Charlie Goes To Candy Mountain (YouTube) or John Malkovich in In The Line of Fire. I just can't look away. I know it highlights only one of the most extreme examples of the American Penecostal movement, but it makes "American Christianity" look like an oxymoron.

The lesbian pastor just finished denouncing Satan from messing with the microphones and Powerpoint, and a counselor just walked into the boys dorm and reprimanded them for telling ghost stories because they don't honor God. I thought ultra-conservatives were the most legalistic Christians, but it looks like they don't hold a candle to ultra-charismatics. So far I've heard that Harry Potter lovers are going to hell and that God only likes to go to churches where people are dancing and yelling Hallelujah.

Kari just walked in and after watching for 5 minutes said, "These guys are freaks."
I'm with you, babe.

Alright, so it's not like Charlie Goes To Candy Mountain. I'm actually going to turn this one off early. Maybe I'll finally give Harry Potter a chance.

Who can accept it?

2008-07-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

Iron Will. Remember that movie? I think the best thing about that movie was the title.
Gotta love the double-meaning titles. Family Matters. The Santa Clause. Get Smart.

I can't think of any more.

I've never been much of a visionary. But lately I've started developing all sorts of dreams, desires and goals for our future. I typically like to think I'm pretty laid back. Open to whatever life throws my way.
But I'm slowly realizing that I really love to have control.
Why do we (as people in general) spend so much time trying to perfect our little personal kingdoms? So much energy and thought goes into making everything about my life exactly how I want it to be. I don't like that my lawn is spotty so I go buy a quality fertilizer. I don't like the way my clothes are fitting me so I spend just a little more so I can look good. I don't like the way my soap smells so I complain about it until Kari buys new stuff. And so on.

I am so not laid back.

Recent events have caused me to ponder how fragile and out of my control my life actually is. And it's freaking me out. I realized how devastated I would be if just a couple pending decisions swung the opposite way of how I'm expecting them to turn out. I've got a pretty good idea of what our life could look like in a year. Yet in a blink of an eye, a couple things could happen differently than expected, and all of a sudden life would be a drastically different situation. Would God actually let that happen? He wants me to be happy, right?

While I was meditating on this, a "random" Bible phrase popped into my head. "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?" I didn't know where it came from, much less the biblical context, so when I got home I looked it up. John 6 has 71 verses. The Bread of Life passage begins in verse 25 and goes all the way to the end of the chapter.

After Jesus argues with the Pharisees about coming down from heaven as the bread of life, he says something crazy sounding. "Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life ....... The one who feeds on me will live because of me."
Excuse me? It's easy to call the Pharisees dense because we so easily see the big picture of what he's saying. But what about his disciples? "On hearing this many of his disciples said, 'This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?'
....... from this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him."

I rarely choose to see this side of God. It's just not as tidy. It feels more out of control.

And then the truth I've known all my life hits me in my reality. I'm never in control. What business do I have trying to make life feel like I can determine the outcome? It's BS!!!

Joel, I am in control here. Eat my flesh and drink my blood. Otherwise you have no life. So what if your life is turned upside down...and things don't turn out like you feel they should? Can you accept it?

Will I accept it? Can I actually give up my iron will for a hard teaching, an unexpected plan, that I don't understand? Wow. I've been so close to turning back like those disciples. So close to fighting so hard to remain in my own plan that I know and understand. God's plan is hard to swallow. But if he's truly good...and if he's truly holy...and if true life exists only in Him.....

I must swallow the hard teaching. Eating flesh and drinking blood had such a deeper, more complex, more amazing meaning than any of those disciples could comprehend.

Why is understanding so important?

Give me your hard teaching, God. And break me of my iron will. I will never fully understand your plans. But in faith I will eat your flesh and drink your blood because you are life.

Thank you for your patience with me.

interview

2008-07-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

The interview went well...thanks to all of you praying for me. I made it to the next round, so please keep praying. Through the interview I also became more excited about the job and now I want it even more. =) I'll try to give updates as I'm able.

windows

2008-07-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

I have an interview tomorrow for the job that I'm currently doing .... the Financial Aid Director at Denver Seminary. I'm currently the interim until they hire someone permanent. I'd like to be there permanently. The transition into this job has been hard and stressful, but once I know my stuff it will be a great job. Plus I don't really want to go back to windows.

Thanks for talking to God for me.

ode to Keith

2008-07-14T22:13:00.001-07:00

I forgot my brother-in-law's birthday, and so I decided to give him a shout out right here on my blog. Not that he reads it, but maybe one of you can point it out to him.

Keith is one heck of a guy. He loves my sister Shawna dearly and has been a great match for her. And he is a wonderful father. At least he makes it look like it in all the home videos Shawna sends us. Although we don't get to see him much, Keith has been a wonderful addition to our family.

So, Keith, although we forgot your birthday, we haven't forgotten you. Even Mason still remembers you, although that's mostly thanks to your yellow motorcycle. Every time he sees one we hear your name come out of his mouth.

Hope we get to see you soon. We love you tons.

some favorite summer pics thus far

2008-07-12T16:00:00.001-07:00

humid Florida

EEK - Elliot Elijah Kolomichuk

The Kolomichuks - cute but psycho

scheming cousins

God's country

3-legs with Kinsley Jane

Potato sack excitement

Francis Schaeffer Jr.

I didn't get permission to post this

humid Florida

king of queens

2008-06-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

Elgard got me on this show a couple months ago...Kevin James and Jerry Stiller are freakin hilarious.

change

2008-06-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

I don't like change. I run from it often. I try to embrace it when it's inevitable, but I still don't like it. I fear that it's a reflection of my lack of trust in God. I worry. I never thought of myself as a control freak, but I have some tendencies. I worry.

I'm not sure why I worry so much. When I look back on my life I see God's hand in just about everything. He is not only trustworthy, but He has proves Himself to be so over and over and over again. God is trustworthy. And He is good. God is good. I've sang that phrase so much over the last 25 years in church that it's easy to let it pass through my brain without meaning much. God is good. When I choose to meditate on it I am often struck by what God's goodness means. He has a plan. For me. I am His child. He wants good for me.

So why do I worry?

I've got to get to the point where I don't just see worrying as pointless, but as sin. If God is truly good and trustworthy, worrying just doesn't make any sense. So I must make the decision to stop worrying.

So I will choose to trust.

These thoughts have been sparked by recent change in our lives. I know that change will never go away, but Kari and I are still at a point in our lives where change is pretty much normal. We long to establish roots.

So we bought a house. There's some stability. I'm finally looking for a full-time, long-term job. More stability. Last week I applied for a Financial Aid Director position at a random college in Denver. The next day...The Next Day...I got a call from the seminary telling me that their Financial Aid Director position had just opened. Excuse me? A week later they hired me to keep their office afloat during the busy season. At the end of the busy season they will hire someone permanently for the position. In case you're not familiar with my backround, I was the Financial Aid Director for Emmaus Bible College for 2 years. I didn't particularly like working for the school (too much politics), but I loved the position. So not 0nly did I accept the temp gig, keeping the office afloat during the busy season, but I applied for the position. We'll see what happens, but rarely does the Lord drop something in your lap that doesn't pan out. If it doesn't pan out, that's fine. He's got something better. But I'm praying that it does.

Change is hard. Even when the Lord drops it in your lap, it's hard. But what a blessing to know that God cares about the little things.

I am His child. He cares about the little things. The little details in my life are important to Him. Oh what a difference when I stop seeing Him as a god, and start seeing Him as my intimate, loving Father.

God is good.

the writer in the family

2008-06-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

I never would have guessed about my wife's amazing writing abilities until she started her own blog. She cracks me up every time. Of course her funniest blogs are about Mason, so maybe I'm a bit biased. =) Either way babe, I'm impressed.

fun in florida

2008-06-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

Pain

2008-05-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows someone who has had a miscarriage. If you don't, then now you do. Statistics say that almost 20% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Twenty percent. Usually when an event is so common, it lessons the intensity of your own personal experience. Not so with this experience. I've known people who have had miscarriages. My reaction is to be sad for them. To try and hurt for them. But because it's so common, it's hard to understand the depth of what's really going on. Now I understand the pain.

It happened Sunday. Deep down Kari knew it was happening. She expressed her anxiety. While I listened, I doubted it. I knew it of course was a possibility, but I didn't actually think it would happen to us. Monday morning she went in for a checkup. And the little beating heart that we saw on an ultrasound last week just wasn't there.

I will remember that phone call for the rest of my life.

I was installing some doors in a house downtown. I knew she was at the doctor...just waiting for the call saying that it was just a scare...that everything is all right. It happened with Mason. We had a scare near the beginning of that pregnancy, but the doctor's visit brought good news. Not this time.

Kari's voice broke. "It's not good..........................The baby's gone" I walked across an alleyway to a park and sat down on a picnic table. Stunned. As vivid as those words are in my head, I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I was absolutely stunned. I hadn't cried in a while, but at this point there's simply nothing else to do. What do you say? So I went home and cried with my wife.

The interesting thing is the kind of loss that this is. I won't pretend to think that my experience was the same as Kari's. The attachment of a mother to her child from the moment of conception is amazing to me. The fact that she knew what was going on before a doctor could look inside is absolutely astounding. And so in a big way her loss is different from mine. I saw the beating heart, and I know that it's my flesh and blood, but my attachment is more to a dream. A hope. A concept of what that little life is going to become. The baby was only 8 weeks old. And yet there's still the pain. It's Wednesday now. I'm recovering. And yet I expect the pain of the loss of my child will linger for a long time.

But it's in this place where I feel God the most. I'm an emotional person. I get depressed at many small insignificant things. And yet I can honestly tell you that I'm not depressed right now. It's here where God is loud. It's here where it is so clearly evident that he is pouring gallons of his grace into my little teaspoon-sized soul. Pain without depression is an interesting experience. Believe it or not I would actually call it an amazing experience. Not because I like the pain, but because pain mixed with God's peace produces hope. And purpose.

I'm not familiar with the context of CS Lewis' famous quote "Pain is God's megaphone," but I can tell you that I now understand it. And it's not that I think that God gives pain in order to pierce our deafness to him. I think it's related to Joseph's amazing words in Genesis 50:20, "You meant it for evil...but God meant it for good." God uses the pain that exists in this fallen world because it allows us to experience his goodness in the midst of it. And God is good. This is a truth I've known in my head since I was a boy. It's finally starting to move to my heart. To know that God is good is fine. But to know God's goodness changes everything. Theology without experience is almost pointless. But now that my religion is becoming my reality.....I'm finally touching God's personality and not just looking at his character.

I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. In fact, even after all I've just said I'd still like the pain to go away. But if pain really is God's megaphone, then I choose to let go of the fear of loss. For if loss causes me to know my Savior better, then the risk is worth it.

can't get enough of these songs lately

2008-05-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

Miss Murder, AFI
Sweet and Low, Augustana
I Get It, Chevelle
The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice
From Underneath, Hawk Nelson
Lead Me To The Cross, Hillsong United
Sleeping To Dream, Jason Mraz
A Beautiful Mess, Jason Mraz
Dizzy, Jimmy Eat World
We Make The Road By Walking, The Juliana Theory
From Where You Are, Lifehouse
Go On My Child, Michelle Featherstone
Happy?, Mudvayne
Far Away, Nickelback
Reckoner, Radiohead
Last Flowers, Radiohead
Mary Song (acoustic version), Tyler Ward

7 year itch

2008-05-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

So Kari and I are just about to hit our 7-year anniversary (next month). What is all this that I'm hearing about the 7 year itch? I must've gotten lucky.

proud father of a soccer stud

2008-05-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

treasure

2008-05-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

The thought of treasure reminds me of a pirate who finds that chest full of gold coins. He spends all of his energy and life looking for that treasure because when he finds it he is set for the rest of his life. The emotion he experiences when he finds that massive treasure must be amazing. But gold coins vanish.

I have a list of memories that I cherish. Some of those cherishable memories are so high that I call them treasures. But the great thing about these treasures is that they don't vanish.

As I grow older I find that the treasure list is growing exponentially. I'm the kind of person who doesn't seek out a lot of friendships. I'd rather spend my time growing as close as I can to the few friendships that I've already established. Because it's here where I find my treasures: in unexpected wonderful moments with people I am passionately in love with.

At the top of the treasure list is moments with my wife and my son. Tonight we got home late from a mother's day thing at my in-laws and put Mason down to bed immediately, as it was an hour past his bed time. But he wasn't tired.

We were tired. It's an hour past our bedtime, on a Sunday night. We both have to get up early to go to work tomorrow. "Mason, please go to sleep." Mason wasn't tired. So we let him cry.

An hour later we finally have some sympathy. We're good at the tough love thing, but sometimes the kid just needs some sympathy. This was one of those times.

So I go into his room, crawl into his bed, and am just present with him. He talks, I listen. Story of my life, but this is different. He strokes my hair, snuggles my forehead, and breathes right in my face while he blabs on and on. Finally he starts to get tired, lessens the chatter and starts to close his eyes. I've learned by now that it's better to leave the room while he's awake so that he knows I'm leaving, rather than have him wake up with me gone and freak out. So I whisper to him, "Daddy's going bye bye now. I'm going to sleep in Daddy's bed."

Mase opens his eyes a bit, strokes my hair one last time. "Okay Daddy. I love you so much."

And there it is. Instant treasure. The moment you experience it you know that it will take a long long time to forget....having your own flesh and blood 2 year old son say those words to you.

I love this part of life.

It took 3 minutes

2008-04-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

...to remove my Pedro moustache (or is it spelled mustache? Wikipedia doesn't seem to care), and I wasn't even in a hurry. It amazes me how a little facial hair can cause such a stir. I received more comments about my dirty upper lip than I have for any other post.

There are just some topics that are more universal than others I guess. Mason posts are enjoyed by most, beloved by a few. Music review posts don't seem to get much of a reaction. And UA sports posts probably hardly even get read. But the moustache is something everyone can relate to. Either you're a woman and you abhor them. Or you're a man who thinks they're funny. Or you're a man who absolutely loves them, and in which case can probably actually grow a decent one. But you won't because of a woman.

moustache challenge

2008-04-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago my coworker Mark and I started a mutual challenge to grow moustaches. I finally shaved my beard today.

Two weeks and that's all I could muster. Just sad. Not to mention I've got this Spanish bald middle part thing going on.

Needless to say, Kari loves it.

for nicole...

2008-04-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

...who called me a weenie in regards to some other mason-in-a-skirt pictures recently posted on Robin's blog
This is Mason doing his "Big Stud" dance, also known as the "Get Outta Trouble" dance, depending on the context of the situation. It's a bit more humorous in this garb. We'll try to get a video next time.

no, we don't beat him

2008-04-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

Being a boy, he's actually proud of his battle wounds. This one happened on a bed frame. I think he had just finished reading 5 Little Monkeys Jumping On A Bed. He never seems to notice the "bumped his head" parts.

freakin budinger...

2008-04-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

NBA draft beckons another; this time it's Chase

I am beside myself

freakin bayless...

2008-04-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

Bayless tells UA he'll enter NBA draft

Guess he's not the "competitor" I thought he was.

like watching an oompa loompa in a leotard dancing on the street corner

2008-04-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

You want to look away but you just can't

visit from grammy

2008-03-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

Mom, Mason sure had a great time with you last week. Thanks again for making the trip!

Now that I've vented about the loss...

2008-03-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

...and mid-terms are over... I feel the freedom to write on more pointless subjects.

My mom, who is visiting from Tucson this week, asked me when I had time to blog seeing as how I have family, church, work, school, and a new house on my plate. I think I just find it therapeutic, so I make the time. It's nice to be able to write/share whatever I want without having to worry about boring other people. You don't like it, don't read it. On that note...

I will never grow tired of the song Frail, by Jars of Clay (see the music playlist to the right).

I'm not sure what the heck the words mean, although I have some thoughts, but that is my definition of absolutely beautiful music. The producer of their greatest hits album is an idiot for not including it on the playlist. Throw a piano into it and it doesn't get any better. There is a piano version out there, but that one doesn't have the strings (violin, cello, etc.). I strongly gravitate towards any soft alternative music that has piano and strings. Deadly combo.

And what the heck is wrong with all of you people who haven't seen The Last Samurai?

I will never grow tired of that flick. I caught some flak a couple Sundays ago when I said from the pulpit that I favor this movie over Braveheart. But c'mon people, seriously, as amazing and manly as Braveheart is, it lacks the relational and spiritual depth that makes Last Samurai so good. Now I do admit that some of the acting could afford to go, but the script is absolutely genius. Give it a try. Especially if you've seen Braveheart. This one skips the sex and most of the gore.

Since I'm on a roll, let me add a book for fathers of boys: The Way of The Wild Heart, by John Eldredge.

I actually haven't finished it yet because of school getting in the way, but the first 2 chapters are sweet. I know Eldredge has as many critics as he does fans, so this one might be harder for me to sell. I'd label myself 75% fan, 25% critic of Eldredge in general. I think he made a mistake by giving this book a title so closely tied to his most popular book, Wild at Heart. That one got so much hype and criticism that many people probably won't even pick this one up. But this one is an easier read because of its practical nature (whereas WaH was more subjective and sometimes fluffy). That's all I'll say on this because now I'm tired.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

West Virginia 75, Arizona 65

2008-03-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went through once again what every fan goes through when their team stinks it up. I rooted hard for them for most of the game...cheering for every much-needed 3-pointer and yelling at every horrendous choke. Then when I realized it just wasn't gonna happen I started cheering for the enemy. "What a fitting end to a crappy season. I hope they lose." Seemed to make sense at the time, but I only go there to lessen the pain.

It's still fresh. "There's always next year." Lute's back next year...I expect he'll resurrect the program if he can resurrect himself first.

kari's blog

2008-03-04T20:54:00.000-08:00

My hottie wife just started her own blog.....finally.

www.karilaos.blogspot.com

I think I might actually like her name better than my own....dang it.

some inside pics......after (although still not finished)

2008-02-24T21:11:00.000-08:00

bored in class

2008-02-21T13:05:00.000-08:00

Good times in class with my buddy Justin

Happy V Day...Love, Mase

2008-02-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

entropy

2008-02-13T23:14:00.000-08:00

All of a sudden I'm getting strange comments and when you click on its link it sends you to some dangerous spyware site, according to my internet security program. So don't click on those comments that you don't recognize.
Nothing is free of predators anymore. Degeneration is inevitable I guess.

some inside pics......before

2008-02-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

closing tomorrow!

2008-01-30T18:42:00.000-08:00

We are closing on the house tomorrow (Thursday) and we have appreciated your prayers. We will take 2 weeks to paint and put down some flooring, then move in on the 16th.

little stud

2008-01-16T20:30:00.001-08:00